Sunday, May 20, 2012

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Long-term planning

My Darling Gunther,
I've been waiting for you to be ready to take on this long-term plan. I keep on waiting, but you aren't making the progress that I was hoping. But rather than wait for you to be ready, I have to start now and hope that you can keep up.

This plan will take several years, but will end up keeping your detractors off balance in a more permanent fashion. Here is the basic plan:

  1. Adopt a formal testing methodology. I've been working on promoting a methodology called SQUAB (Software QUality Assessment Board). This methodology embodies 'enough' actual quality verbiage to seem legitimate, but enough distraction to throw any projects that use it into chaos.
  2. Become a member of the SQUAB steering committee. Once the company has taken the leap to accept the methodology, they will jump at the chance to be represented on it's steering committee.
  3. Invest so much time, that your current duties suffer. Again, so much of the company's efforts will be invested at this point that pulling out will not seem like an option.
Your first task is to pass the attached documents to your team and have them talk up this methodology among their peers. In six months, I'll have you propose that the company formally adopt it.

Ever Yours,
Auntie Cueway

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: You MUST be in control!

Gunther,

I am such a fool for sending praise your way. Again, you have shown that you are completely distracted by anything but ridicule and scorn. Your new policies are useless unless you can defend them with some air of authority.

Rather than rely on your dim wit, let me give you very specific guidance on how to handle criticism.

  1. Rant and rave about how wrong your detractors are. Use vague allusions to 'being out of touch with QA practices', 'being against quality', 'not having the best interests of the company at heart' and other indefensible accusations.
  2. Justify each policy with something like "Clearly, Section IV Paragraph 10g is needed for the auditors", "If you object to Section III, Paragraph 1 then are you prepared to accept any and all consequences if something should happen?" or "If you don't understand why every bit of Section XX is needed, then I question your ability as a manger!"
  3. Dismiss future objections with predictions like, "Everyone that still has concerns about this must have an ulterior motive", "Keeping QA out of your project is one way for some people to centralize their control within the company" and "It's so sad that rather than to find any meaningful objections to these policies, people resort to name calling, distractions and other non-issues just so they can continue to be lazy and undisciplined"
The general key is to accuse others of using the meaningless tactics you yourself are using to defend your policies.

Don't forget, I've been around longer, so I know better.

Your Superior,
Auntie Cueway



Thursday, May 3, 2012


TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Keep defending your territory

Little Gunther,

Mr. Headcheese has informed me of your 'Quality Assurance Guidelines for non-Quality Assurance Personnel' document. At the risk of encouraging excessive pride in your childish bosom, I wish to give you an appreciative nod in recognition of this clever piece of work.

I have received a copy of this tome and can only feel my own sense of pride by seeing that my influence over your development is evident when I read passages such as these:
Volume 3- Chapter 23 - Section 16 - Decrees 75-81
  • ALL test cases are REQUIRED to be documented in Quality Test Center Pro 
  • Quality Test Center Pro licenses are issued on a per-user, per-project, per-release basis.
  • FAILURE to COMPLY with licensing requirements IS A TERMINABLE OFFENCE.  Individuals found to be in VIOLATION will be REPORTED TO THE PROPER AUTHORITIES.
  • USERS MUST REQUEST PERMISSION TO PURCHASE LICENSES FROM THE QA TEAM LEAD (Mr. Gunther McKobbly) 
  • PAYMENT FOR LICENSES MUST BE MADE AT THE TIME PERMISSION IS REQUESTED
  • THIS PAYMENT IS NON-REFUNDABLE, EVEN IF PERMISSION TO PURCHASE IS NOT GRANTED. THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE!
  • The QA team will gladly assist any LEGAL user of Quality Test Center Pro though the 8 week training class REQUIRED before being allowed access to the system.
You are doing well in keeping me happy.
Auntie Cueway