TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: OS upgrades

Little Gunther,

I see your devious mind is at work again. Mr. Headcheese tells me that you had been able to stall the latest release by over-documenting all your test cases, but that the senior managers were getting a bit frustrated. Your response was to convince IT that all the systems needed an OS upgrade to be compliant with the auditors. You sneaky little devil, you knew your whole automation framework was not compatible with the new OS because you designed it to be that way! As I hear it, you were the most surprised of all! The chaos that ensued from not planning out this upgrade was quite impressive, I must say. I'm not sure how you were able to keep the project manager from planning this out better, but I'm sure you had a hand in it.

Great Job!

Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Long-term planning

My Darling Gunther,
I've been waiting for you to be ready to take on this long-term plan. I keep on waiting, but you aren't making the progress that I was hoping. But rather than wait for you to be ready, I have to start now and hope that you can keep up.

This plan will take several years, but will end up keeping your detractors off balance in a more permanent fashion. Here is the basic plan:

1. Adopt a formal testing methodology. I've been working on promoting a methodology called SQUAB (Software QUality Assessment Board). This methodology embodies 'enough' actual quality verbiage to seem legitimate, but enough distraction to throw any projects that use it into chaos.
2. Become a member of the SQUAB steering committee. Once the company has taken the leap to accept the methodology, they will jump at the chance to be represented on it's steering committee.
3. Invest so much time, that your current duties suffer. Again, so much of the company's efforts will be invested at this point that pulling out will not seem like an option.

Your first task is to pass the attached documents to your team and have them talk up this methodology among their peers. In six months, I'll have you propose that the company formally adopt it.

Ever Yours,

Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: You MUST be in control!

Gunther,

I am such a fool for sending praise your way. Again, you have shown that you are completely distracted by anything but ridicule and scorn. Your new policies are useless unless you can defend them with some air of authority.

Rather than rely on your dim wit, let me give you very specific guidance on how to handle criticism.

1. Rant and rave about how wrong your detractors are. Use vague allusions to 'being out of touch with QA practices', 'being against quality', 'not having the best interests of the company at heart' and other indefensible accusations.
2. Justify each policy with something like "Clearly, Section IV Paragraph 10g is needed for the auditors", "If you object to Section III, Paragraph 1 then are you prepared to accept any and all consequences if something should happen?" or "If you don't understand why every bit of Section XX is needed, then I question your ability as a manger!"
3. Dismiss future objections with predictions like, "Everyone that still has concerns about this must have an ulterior motive", "Keeping QA out of your project is one way for some people to centralize their control within the company" and "It's so sad that rather than to find any meaningful objections to these policies, people resort to name calling, distractions and other non-issues just so they can continue to be lazy and undisciplined"

The general key is to accuse others of using the meaningless tactics you yourself are using to defend your policies.

Don't forget, I've been around longer, so I know better.

Your Superior,

Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Keep defending your territory

Little Gunther,

Mr. Headcheese has informed me of your 'Quality Assurance Guidelines for non-Quality Assurance Personnel' document. At the risk of encouraging excessive pride in your childish bosom, I wish to give you an appreciative nod in recognition of this clever piece of work.

I have received a copy of this tome and can only feel my own sense of pride by seeing that my influence over your development is evident when I read passages such as these:

Volume 3- Chapter 23 - Section 16 - Decrees 75-81

• ALL test cases are REQUIRED to be documented in Quality Test Center Pro 
• Quality Test Center Pro licenses are issued on a per-user, per-project, per-release basis.
• FAILURE to COMPLY with licensing requirements IS A TERMINABLE OFFENCE.  Individuals found to be in VIOLATION will be REPORTED TO THE PROPER AUTHORITIES.
• USERS MUST REQUEST PERMISSION TO PURCHASE LICENSES FROM THE QA TEAM LEAD (Mr. Gunther McKobbly) 
• PAYMENT FOR LICENSES MUST BE MADE AT THE TIME PERMISSION IS REQUESTED
• THIS PAYMENT IS NON-REFUNDABLE, EVEN IF PERMISSION TO PURCHASE IS NOT GRANTED. THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE!
• The QA team will gladly assist any LEGAL user of Quality Test Center Pro though the 8 week training class REQUIRED before being allowed access to the system.

You are doing well in keeping me happy.
Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Some improvement

What a clever boy!

You managed to really turn around a potentially tragic situation! After your last policy changes, the Director (not unexpectedly) started to get complaints about these draconian requirements. From both your last letter and from my dear confidant Mr. Headcheese, I understand that you gave the Director some 'ammunition' to fight off these complaints. Your advice to him is truly inspired by the most crafty of our kind. To have the complaints of these efforts responded to empty rhetoric such as "We all value Quality", "Quality is Job 1" and "Quality is Everyone's Responsibility" without any meaningful changes to process is truly epic!

I should warn you, lest your head get too big for your shoulders, that this too may only quell the masses for a short time. Be on guard for those that attempt to bypass your policies and start to put their own good practices in place.

Your Biggest Fan,
Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Some improvement

Sweet Gunther,
I must say that I am impressed with your latest coup. In the chaos of the loss of your best tester, you planted seeds of project management hell in the Director's mind and he took it to heart. My good friend Mr. Headcheese says that all projects are now required to account for all their time in 5 minute increments throughout the day.

I can't tell you how much I've tittered just thinking about all the overhead this must be causing.  Then I think of the additional overhead you've inflicted on the whole team by insisting that all requirements documents be corrected of grammar and spelling before they can be reviewed! Fortunately, you had your head about you when the project manager started to be concerned about the additional overhead caused by this and you suggested that the company 'minimize' the overhead by buying a tool. And my little Gunther remembered that this purchase will also result in additional kickbacks for me.

I do appreciate this nod to my rank and position and I will remember this.

Your dearest Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Apparently, I've overestimated you

My poor little Gunther,

Did you believe that you could have taken a break after your previous work disrupting your team? I must apologize for giving you too much credit. I should have guided you to maintain your level of chaos as long as possible. Instead, you allowed the remaining members of your team to band together and pick up the work left by the tester who left.

You are in a tight spot now, you have a team that has discovered their true capabilities and are running high on their recent successes at taking on the various testing tasks left behind. I must give this some thought on how best to get your team off-balance.

I do not like having to do your job for you.

Crossly,
Your Auntie Cueway