TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Your efforts are paying off, but take care...

G,

I knew you were up to something when you started to pour over the team rosters. Little did I know how ambitious your plans were!

You managed to convince isolated teams to migrate their testing efforts over to your team, using my software (and the appropriate licensing fees, thank you very much). You made the isolated teams feel they were missing out by implying that everyone else was doing it. Then, you convinced all the teams that were at the main building to buy in since there were so many others signed up as well.

Since they had no personal connections with those teams, they didn't look into it any further.

Now, you can claim to be a victim of your own success and get nothing accomplished!

Bravo!

Your very proud Auntie Cueway.

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: I see what you did there.

My Most Clever Nephew, Oh my! This move has stirred things up quite a bit! I'm not exactly sure how you managed to sabotage the phone system AND the email system (or is it that you are able to make it appear so?), but I am just now starting to see your plan. By being in a separate building, people have to rely on phone and email to contact you. Nobody is concerned when you don't pick up the phone or email right away. So there's no way to know if you are attending to their problem or not. Someone has to spend an hour in just driving time to get to and from your office, so hardly anyone bothers. You can now slow down projects by claiming that you didn't get the email or voicemail! Very clever! If you keep this up, you may be ready to prepare others to follow your lead.

 Keep up the good work!
 Your Favorite Auntie

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: You continue to confound me

My Most Needy Nephew,

I'm not sure what to think when I heard you volunteered to swap office space so that the Accounting Department could be closer to the Payroll department. I had remembered that you had done some pretty heavy back-stabbing to get those offices for you and your team last year.

You had one of the best offices in the building for yourself, close to the parking lot so you could leave early and come in late without notice. You had a set of restrooms that were inconvenient for nearly everyone except your team.

Now you find yourself in a completely isolated building that is not very well kept and not very convenient to get to.

What are you up to?

Auntie

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Very Cute

Gunther,

You young kids always keep me on my toes! When you asked me about getting your ears pointed, I didn't really understand the meaning you associated with it. I had assumed you either had some sort of 'imp' look you were going for or were a huge Star Trek fan.

But then you started doing this strange style to your hair with a little point between your eyes. I must say, I chalked it up to some new fad that old people like me just didn't understand.

But after making a casual remark to Mr. Headcheese, he explained that you are a big fan of Dilbert's Mordac. I wasn't aware of this character, so I looked him up. Oh Boy! You have certainly nailed the likeness to a T!

Keep up the good work,

Your Loving Auntie.

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: OS upgrades

Little Gunther,

I see your devious mind is at work again. Mr. Headcheese tells me that you had been able to stall the latest release by over-documenting all your test cases, but that the senior managers were getting a bit frustrated. Your response was to convince IT that all the systems needed an OS upgrade to be compliant with the auditors. You sneaky little devil, you knew your whole automation framework was not compatible with the new OS because you designed it to be that way! As I hear it, you were the most surprised of all! The chaos that ensued from not planning out this upgrade was quite impressive, I must say. I'm not sure how you were able to keep the project manager from planning this out better, but I'm sure you had a hand in it.

Great Job!

Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Long-term planning

My Darling Gunther,
I've been waiting for you to be ready to take on this long-term plan. I keep on waiting, but you aren't making the progress that I was hoping. But rather than wait for you to be ready, I have to start now and hope that you can keep up.

This plan will take several years, but will end up keeping your detractors off balance in a more permanent fashion. Here is the basic plan:

1. Adopt a formal testing methodology. I've been working on promoting a methodology called SQUAB (Software QUality Assessment Board). This methodology embodies 'enough' actual quality verbiage to seem legitimate, but enough distraction to throw any projects that use it into chaos.
2. Become a member of the SQUAB steering committee. Once the company has taken the leap to accept the methodology, they will jump at the chance to be represented on it's steering committee.
3. Invest so much time, that your current duties suffer. Again, so much of the company's efforts will be invested at this point that pulling out will not seem like an option.

Your first task is to pass the attached documents to your team and have them talk up this methodology among their peers. In six months, I'll have you propose that the company formally adopt it.

Ever Yours,

Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: You MUST be in control!

Gunther,

I am such a fool for sending praise your way. Again, you have shown that you are completely distracted by anything but ridicule and scorn. Your new policies are useless unless you can defend them with some air of authority.

Rather than rely on your dim wit, let me give you very specific guidance on how to handle criticism.

1. Rant and rave about how wrong your detractors are. Use vague allusions to 'being out of touch with QA practices', 'being against quality', 'not having the best interests of the company at heart' and other indefensible accusations.
2. Justify each policy with something like "Clearly, Section IV Paragraph 10g is needed for the auditors", "If you object to Section III, Paragraph 1 then are you prepared to accept any and all consequences if something should happen?" or "If you don't understand why every bit of Section XX is needed, then I question your ability as a manger!"
3. Dismiss future objections with predictions like, "Everyone that still has concerns about this must have an ulterior motive", "Keeping QA out of your project is one way for some people to centralize their control within the company" and "It's so sad that rather than to find any meaningful objections to these policies, people resort to name calling, distractions and other non-issues just so they can continue to be lazy and undisciplined"

The general key is to accuse others of using the meaningless tactics you yourself are using to defend your policies.

Don't forget, I've been around longer, so I know better.

Your Superior,

Auntie Cueway