TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Your efforts are paying off, but take care...

G,

I knew you were up to something when you started to pour over the team rosters. Little did I know how ambitious your plans were!

You managed to convince isolated teams to migrate their testing efforts over to your team, using my software (and the appropriate licensing fees, thank you very much). You made the isolated teams feel they were missing out by implying that everyone else was doing it. Then, you convinced all the teams that were at the main building to buy in since there were so many others signed up as well.

Since they had no personal connections with those teams, they didn't look into it any further.

Now, you can claim to be a victim of your own success and get nothing accomplished!

Bravo!

Your very proud Auntie Cueway.

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: I see what you did there.

My Most Clever Nephew, Oh my! This move has stirred things up quite a bit! I'm not exactly sure how you managed to sabotage the phone system AND the email system (or is it that you are able to make it appear so?), but I am just now starting to see your plan. By being in a separate building, people have to rely on phone and email to contact you. Nobody is concerned when you don't pick up the phone or email right away. So there's no way to know if you are attending to their problem or not. Someone has to spend an hour in just driving time to get to and from your office, so hardly anyone bothers. You can now slow down projects by claiming that you didn't get the email or voicemail! Very clever! If you keep this up, you may be ready to prepare others to follow your lead.

 Keep up the good work!
 Your Favorite Auntie

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: You continue to confound me

My Most Needy Nephew,

I'm not sure what to think when I heard you volunteered to swap office space so that the Accounting Department could be closer to the Payroll department. I had remembered that you had done some pretty heavy back-stabbing to get those offices for you and your team last year.

You had one of the best offices in the building for yourself, close to the parking lot so you could leave early and come in late without notice. You had a set of restrooms that were inconvenient for nearly everyone except your team.

Now you find yourself in a completely isolated building that is not very well kept and not very convenient to get to.

What are you up to?

Auntie

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Very Cute

Gunther,

You young kids always keep me on my toes! When you asked me about getting your ears pointed, I didn't really understand the meaning you associated with it. I had assumed you either had some sort of 'imp' look you were going for or were a huge Star Trek fan.

But then you started doing this strange style to your hair with a little point between your eyes. I must say, I chalked it up to some new fad that old people like me just didn't understand.

But after making a casual remark to Mr. Headcheese, he explained that you are a big fan of Dilbert's Mordac. I wasn't aware of this character, so I looked him up. Oh Boy! You have certainly nailed the likeness to a T!

Keep up the good work,

Your Loving Auntie.

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: OS upgrades

Little Gunther,

I see your devious mind is at work again. Mr. Headcheese tells me that you had been able to stall the latest release by over-documenting all your test cases, but that the senior managers were getting a bit frustrated. Your response was to convince IT that all the systems needed an OS upgrade to be compliant with the auditors. You sneaky little devil, you knew your whole automation framework was not compatible with the new OS because you designed it to be that way! As I hear it, you were the most surprised of all! The chaos that ensued from not planning out this upgrade was quite impressive, I must say. I'm not sure how you were able to keep the project manager from planning this out better, but I'm sure you had a hand in it.

Great Job!

Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Long-term planning

My Darling Gunther,
I've been waiting for you to be ready to take on this long-term plan. I keep on waiting, but you aren't making the progress that I was hoping. But rather than wait for you to be ready, I have to start now and hope that you can keep up.

This plan will take several years, but will end up keeping your detractors off balance in a more permanent fashion. Here is the basic plan:

1. Adopt a formal testing methodology. I've been working on promoting a methodology called SQUAB (Software QUality Assessment Board). This methodology embodies 'enough' actual quality verbiage to seem legitimate, but enough distraction to throw any projects that use it into chaos.
2. Become a member of the SQUAB steering committee. Once the company has taken the leap to accept the methodology, they will jump at the chance to be represented on it's steering committee.
3. Invest so much time, that your current duties suffer. Again, so much of the company's efforts will be invested at this point that pulling out will not seem like an option.

Your first task is to pass the attached documents to your team and have them talk up this methodology among their peers. In six months, I'll have you propose that the company formally adopt it.

Ever Yours,

Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: You MUST be in control!

Gunther,

I am such a fool for sending praise your way. Again, you have shown that you are completely distracted by anything but ridicule and scorn. Your new policies are useless unless you can defend them with some air of authority.

Rather than rely on your dim wit, let me give you very specific guidance on how to handle criticism.

1. Rant and rave about how wrong your detractors are. Use vague allusions to 'being out of touch with QA practices', 'being against quality', 'not having the best interests of the company at heart' and other indefensible accusations.
2. Justify each policy with something like "Clearly, Section IV Paragraph 10g is needed for the auditors", "If you object to Section III, Paragraph 1 then are you prepared to accept any and all consequences if something should happen?" or "If you don't understand why every bit of Section XX is needed, then I question your ability as a manger!"
3. Dismiss future objections with predictions like, "Everyone that still has concerns about this must have an ulterior motive", "Keeping QA out of your project is one way for some people to centralize their control within the company" and "It's so sad that rather than to find any meaningful objections to these policies, people resort to name calling, distractions and other non-issues just so they can continue to be lazy and undisciplined"

The general key is to accuse others of using the meaningless tactics you yourself are using to defend your policies.

Don't forget, I've been around longer, so I know better.

Your Superior,

Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Keep defending your territory

Little Gunther,

Mr. Headcheese has informed me of your 'Quality Assurance Guidelines for non-Quality Assurance Personnel' document. At the risk of encouraging excessive pride in your childish bosom, I wish to give you an appreciative nod in recognition of this clever piece of work.

I have received a copy of this tome and can only feel my own sense of pride by seeing that my influence over your development is evident when I read passages such as these:

Volume 3- Chapter 23 - Section 16 - Decrees 75-81

• ALL test cases are REQUIRED to be documented in Quality Test Center Pro 
• Quality Test Center Pro licenses are issued on a per-user, per-project, per-release basis.
• FAILURE to COMPLY with licensing requirements IS A TERMINABLE OFFENCE.  Individuals found to be in VIOLATION will be REPORTED TO THE PROPER AUTHORITIES.
• USERS MUST REQUEST PERMISSION TO PURCHASE LICENSES FROM THE QA TEAM LEAD (Mr. Gunther McKobbly) 
• PAYMENT FOR LICENSES MUST BE MADE AT THE TIME PERMISSION IS REQUESTED
• THIS PAYMENT IS NON-REFUNDABLE, EVEN IF PERMISSION TO PURCHASE IS NOT GRANTED. THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE!
• The QA team will gladly assist any LEGAL user of Quality Test Center Pro though the 8 week training class REQUIRED before being allowed access to the system.

You are doing well in keeping me happy.
Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Some improvement

What a clever boy!

You managed to really turn around a potentially tragic situation! After your last policy changes, the Director (not unexpectedly) started to get complaints about these draconian requirements. From both your last letter and from my dear confidant Mr. Headcheese, I understand that you gave the Director some 'ammunition' to fight off these complaints. Your advice to him is truly inspired by the most crafty of our kind. To have the complaints of these efforts responded to empty rhetoric such as "We all value Quality", "Quality is Job 1" and "Quality is Everyone's Responsibility" without any meaningful changes to process is truly epic!

I should warn you, lest your head get too big for your shoulders, that this too may only quell the masses for a short time. Be on guard for those that attempt to bypass your policies and start to put their own good practices in place.

Your Biggest Fan,
Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Some improvement

Sweet Gunther,
I must say that I am impressed with your latest coup. In the chaos of the loss of your best tester, you planted seeds of project management hell in the Director's mind and he took it to heart. My good friend Mr. Headcheese says that all projects are now required to account for all their time in 5 minute increments throughout the day.

I can't tell you how much I've tittered just thinking about all the overhead this must be causing.  Then I think of the additional overhead you've inflicted on the whole team by insisting that all requirements documents be corrected of grammar and spelling before they can be reviewed! Fortunately, you had your head about you when the project manager started to be concerned about the additional overhead caused by this and you suggested that the company 'minimize' the overhead by buying a tool. And my little Gunther remembered that this purchase will also result in additional kickbacks for me.

I do appreciate this nod to my rank and position and I will remember this.

Your dearest Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Apparently, I've overestimated you

My poor little Gunther,

Did you believe that you could have taken a break after your previous work disrupting your team? I must apologize for giving you too much credit. I should have guided you to maintain your level of chaos as long as possible. Instead, you allowed the remaining members of your team to band together and pick up the work left by the tester who left.

You are in a tight spot now, you have a team that has discovered their true capabilities and are running high on their recent successes at taking on the various testing tasks left behind. I must give this some thought on how best to get your team off-balance.

I do not like having to do your job for you.

Crossly,
Your Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: You ARE an enterprising young man after all!

Sweetest Gunther,

You certainly have shown that my teachings haven't been completely wasted! Mr. Headcheese informs me that you have managed to 'kill two birds with one stone' so-to-speak. I had no idea you had this level of devious behavior in you.

You can only imagine my surprise as Mr. Headcheese tells me how you slowly got your most talented tester to take on more and more responsibilities by convincing her that she was the only one capable of doing these things. Then, the auditors somehow came to strongly suggest that the in-house server room be relocated immediately to an out-of-state location. I'm still not sure how you were able to destabilize the power grid for your side of town, but that certainly did the trick! My favorite part was how you convinced the project manager in charge of the move to a ridiculous alternate plan. Oh, if could have only been a spider on the wall to listen to how you soothed his fears that the move wouldn't go well.

I hear that the tester is on long-term disability for PTSD and that your team is now in such chaos since nobody knows how to do what she had been doing.

I can only say that, if you continue on this path, you will certainly be properly recognized for your efforts. Needless to say, the kickbacks I get for the tools your team uses remains as secure as ever, thanks to your clever work.

Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Portioning out Credit

Guther My Dear,

From your last letter, I would have been given the impression that the events that unfolded recently were all your own doing. There is no denying the fact that the Director sees you in a better light now and has highlighted your work in the quarterly team report. You seem to have forgotten that my dear friend Mr. Headcheese was able to plant the idea in the Director's head that distracting his own boss's attention away from the actual quality issues with the absurd notion that more testing is the same as higher quality.

It would do you well to remember those around you who are acting on your behalf. You would also do well to try to help yourself more often and rely less on my good will to keep you in line.

Sincerely,
Your Loving Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Not your best work

My little Gunther,

I'm not sure why you have disregarded my previous warnings about the director. I'm hearing rumors that he's beginning to reconsider your appointment. You realize that if you fail me, these lucrative kickbacks will stop and you will be out of a job!

I have always provided you with a good position and have led the way for you to rise within Corp's ranks while being able to keep my own involvement a secret. This is how you repay me? Your father tried to warn me when I wanted to hire you. He said you were not up to the task, but I stood by you. My only hope now is that you can show enough improvements in your team to head off a disaster.

It's clear that you are unable to think of these things yourself, so here is what you need to do. You need to push your team to write and run as many tests as they can, regardless of their value. Then, you need to write as many bug reports as possible. Take that notebook you've been keeping on system quirks and write up a half dozen bug reports for each of these. Now pay attention, this next part is critical. For each bug, you must follow your bug reporting guidelines perfectly. There should be no question that each bug report is well-written and represents a true quirk. You should give each version of these bugs a wide range of priorities so not to draw attention to what you are actually doing. Hopefully, with this explosion of new tests and defect reports, the Director will ease his suspicions.

Your Loving Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Automation

My Darling Gunther,

From what I hear from the developers, your test automation strategy is coming along nicely. The tests are just unstable enough to often work, but not so unstable to warrant a re-write. They still require lots of manual intervention to start and then to review results. My favorite part is that you were able to convince the director that the work needed to automatically put the results into the test management system are so onerous, that it's not really worth the effort. If my calculations are correct, the automation is twice as time consuming as if you were running the tests manually. This is quite an achievement and will ensure that our test tool licenses will continue to be funded (along with my kickbacks).

But I do have a word of warning, the director is not so simple-minded as to be fooled for long. You must be able to quickly show improvements in the automation so that he doesn't bring in a consultant or hire someone that can see through your ruse.

Always your servant,
Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Metrics

Gunther,

I was looking over the proposed Metrics Standards document you drafted and am very disappointed. It's all very well to require five pages of metrics each week for each team, but you must be more careful in picking your metrics.

Since I know you will be unable to figure this out on your own, let me be blunt. Take out the Defect Detection Percentage and the whole section on test requirement coverage. These are far too helpful for the director and the other metrics are seemingly helpful enough that he won't complain about the content. If he does, you need to be sure to speak to him as if he were a fool and suggest that if he doesn't understand these metrics, maybe he's not suitable for his position. That may be a bit risky, but if you use the right nuance, then he will internalize the comment as if he had come to that conclusion himself.

Affectionately,
Your deovted Auntie Cueway

TO: gunther@corp.com
FROM: auntie@corp.com
SUBJECT: Congratulations!

My Dearest Gunther,

Congratulations on your new role as team lead! It took quite a bit of patience and effort on my part to get the director to believe it was his idea to put you in charge of the team after your previous manager's 'accident'.  It's now your turn to put in the work we've been planning. Even you should be able to understand how important the kickbacks I get for our current test tool licenses are, so be on your toes.

Signed,
Your loving Auntie Cueway

The Beginning

From time to time, people send me things to further my education, to bring a laugh to my day or to generally improve my moral standing. I've started getting these letters anonymously that seem to be from a 'Auntie Cueway' to what appears to be someone she is mentoring. She speaks as if she is mentoring a nephew, but I'm not entirely sure if this is accurate or not.

Rather than give you my impressions of these letters, I will reproduce them here and let you decide.

P.S. Apologies to C.S. Lewis. Any resemblance to 'The Screwtape Letters' may be intentional...